God, what am I doing?
I’m so sorry. My heart feels heavy, and I know it’s because I keep wronging You. I’m supposed to be this great person, and with every step forward that you guide, I run 50 steps back. I know subconsciously this is me running from the responsibilities.
I purposely fall, so I can have an excuse as to why I can’t carry out what I should. There are just so many things wrong inside.
I cringe at how dirty and worthless I am. I’m disgusting, and I was since all that time ago. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Did you forsake me then, Father? Or were you with me every excruciating second? Every second that I can never take back. Every second that I long to erase and forget.
I wish I died at birth because the darkness took me too young. It’s as if I never had a chance.
And why? Why did you leave me to walk so helplessly into the black? I had believed in You then. I did. As a child, I did. I trusted You. I trusted her, and him, and him.
But nothing could have saved me from the downfall, from the pain.
I’m dirty. I’m worthless.
The disgust I feel is pinning me down, severing my soul.
I want to love myself, but how could I? I’m damaged. I’m fucked up. You tried fixing me, and I continue to prove to you how pointless that is.
I’m sorry you offered me everything when I had nothing, and yet I still turned my face for evil deeds.
I’m sorry I can’t seem to move on, but instead trudge further into the past.
…Into the darkness.