IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
God, what am I doing?
I’m so sorry. My heart feels heavy, and I know it’s because I keep wronging You. I’m supposed to be this great person, and with every step forward that you guide, I run 50 steps back. I know subconsciously this is me running from the responsibilities.
I purposely fall, so I can have an excuse as to why I can’t carry out what I should. There are just so many things wrong inside.
I cringe at how dirty and worthless I am. I’m disgusting, and I was since all that time ago. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Did you forsake me then, Father? Or were you with me every excruciating second? Every second that I can never take back. Every second that I long to erase and forget.
I wish I died at birth because the darkness took me too young. It’s as if I never had a chance.
And why? Why did you leave me to walk so helplessly into the black? I had believed in You then. I did. As a child, I did. I trusted You. I trusted her, and him, and him.
But nothing could have saved me from the downfall, from the pain.
I’m dirty. I’m worthless.
The disgust I feel is pinning me down, severing my soul.
I want to love myself, but how could I? I’m damaged. I’m fucked up. You tried fixing me, and I continue to prove to you how pointless that is.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry you offered me everything when I had nothing, and yet I still turned my face for evil deeds.
I’m sorry I can’t seem to move on, but instead trudge further into the past.
…Into the darkness.
You wanna know something fucked up? (I really need to stop cursing)
I’m so repulsed by my own self that if anyone takes interest in me, I honestly believe there is something wrong with them.
Someone was trying extremely hard to talk to me at the beach today. He was following me around in the water I guess building up the courage to speak to me. The entire time I’m in denial, convincing myself it’s all a coincidence because REALLY why would anyone hit on me? It’s not like anyone ever does. And it doesn’t help that he was actually cute. (My theory of good looking people only go after good looking people.)
Anyways this kid is following me, and at one point he starts choking on the water. We were the furthest ones out in the water, and the waves were pretty reckless, so I thought he got wiped out and I just turned my head and stared at him forcing myself to not reach out and ask if he was okay. (Looking back on it now he was trying to get my attention and have me console him, and he was also waiting for me to do the same so he could console me.) I don’t exactly know why I react so cold. I didn’t mean to, but at that point I knew he was trying to talk to me, and I didn’t want him to. Which is retarded because he was cute. But if someone I don’t even know thinks I’m in any way attractive, then there must be something legitimately wrong with them. He must have had down syndrome or something because Ashley Colon doesn’t attract any kind of people especially good looking boys.
I hate myself for being so disgusted with myself that I can’t even preform trivial social interactions with potential romantic interests. I really do. I think that is the most pathetic thing about me that I’ve noticed thus far.
I guess I must be doing something right.
I’m pensive, but too unsettled to sort through my thoughts at the moment.
It’s been that way for quite some time, and I wish I could just cut the bullshit and figure myself out.
My choices are as follows:
Get over it or Get over it
IF ONLY IT WERE SO SIMPLE.
And for a second I panicked because I thought I missed you,
But I realized it’s something familiar that I miss instead.
I sabotage myself on a daily basis.
I don’t want to feel anymore.
I want numb, vacant.
Give me empty and drained.
Lifeless.
Because I’m so sick and tired of being left out in the rain. I’m so done with cliche. I’m over being mistreated and forgotten.
I just want one fucking person to care. One person to be there. I just need a friend that won’t walk away from me when I’m no longer useful.
God, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck is everybody so repulsed?
Yet I constantly act standoffish, indifferent, and reserved. I don’t know how to manifest what I feel inside, outwardly. Displaying my affection for people always proved itself a difficult task.
The people I love most will probably tell you that I show my love for them by sarcastically telling them how much I hate them and pointing out how often they annoy me.
I need to work on myself.
